My Berlin Awakening
Normally I meet my girlfriends on dating sites. In other words, my body is not used to going to a room full of hot lesbian strangers and expressing sexuality. It hit me hard when I visited two queer bars on Flinta evenings in Berlin.
I had travelled all day, checked in at my hotel and took the first U-Bahn straight to Silver Future. I had to pinch myself in the arm. I was surrounded by so many interesting and hot looking women. Everybody had their own fingerprint in the way they were dressed, in the way they had their hair and makeup or no makeup. It was just such an inspiring mix. I thought silently: ”My search is over”. ”The lesbians are here.”
Instead of singing it out and starting to flirt, I felt insecure and shy. I felt my age and got self conscious. I was for sure the oldest person in the room but so what? Normally I can talk to anybody anywhere - now I was out of words. I had nothing to say. Nothing to flirt with. My body was closing down. At the same time, I was happy. I don't even know what words to use to describe the excitement I felt.
The next day I went to Möbel Olfe on a Tuesday. It was a woman’s night. The same thing happened. A lot of interesting and beautiful women entered the place one after the other. I could not believe it. This was what I had longed for. The way they dress was pure poetry. The whole air of rawness, coolness, and fabulousness brought me to life. At the same time I struggled. I became shy. I did not know what to say. To my defense, I had some rough encounters. I thought it was very unusual, but then I remembered that I have experienced this before in lesbian clubs and bars. Actually quite often but then the crowd was different and not so much in my flavor if I may be so blunt.
I find it confusing. I have been lesbian for most of my life and yet I feel shy when I enter a room full of gorgeous lesbian women. What is that all about?
Perhaps it is not so strange. My body navigates in a heterosexual context most days and once or twice a month I visit the queer scene. Of course that does something to my system. Thats why my lesbian tour is a story that is both personal and universal.
Two years ago I was walking the streets in Copenhagen. A man stopped me and asked me out. I declined, but I really appreciated his invitation. I want to be that man. What he did was so liberating and inspiring.
My body needs MORE queerness and it needs to learn how to express its sexuality in any social context. Although it's embarrassing to admit, I didn't know it had come to this. At least now I have the ability to free myself. I have to leave my comfort zone. It's uncomfortable as hell in the beginning but I will get there.
The breaking news is that I have found lesbian spaces/places that I really like. I am still a bit choked to realize that I could have gone home with half of the women in the bars both nights. I have never experienced that before! Ever. That does something to my system in a very electric way.
Do you have similar experiences? What’s your take on it?
