Beyond the Spark — How Lesbians Can Find Love

SKALA ERESSOS: We often joke about lesbians "moving in on the first date"—some of us even pack our bags before heading out! Speaking from experience, I've jumped into marriage after a very short courtship, before we'd even cohabited. It was a rom-com in the beginning, but trust me, the ending was pure drama. Dr. Ruth Schwartz knows this pattern well. In 1998, she experienced that "Oh my God, it's her!" moment, convinced she'd found her destiny. But the relationship didn't last, and she learned lessons about the pitfalls of relying too much on chemistry. This led her to found the Conscious Girlfriend Academy, where she helps lesbians build healthy, lasting relationships. She has also co-authored the book ”Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love” with Michelle Murrain.

I met Ruth Schwartz while she was running a workshop on lesbian dating during the Sappho Women's Festival in Skala Eressos, a village on the Greek island of Lesbos, a place with deep roots in lesbian history. She is convinced we can break free from painful patterns. We just need to look at our love life with new eyes and, more importantly, be ready to have some hard conversations with ourselves.

The following interview took place in Skala Eressos on September 19th at 10:10 am.

Gry: Who enrolls in your classes at Conscious Girlfriend Academy?

Ruth: We primarily work with women over 45 who are done with relationship patterns that don't work and are ready to learn how to build healthy connections. It’s an educational and supportive community for lesbians and non-binary individuals. Our students come from all over the world, with a strong presence in the US and Canada, as well as Europe, Israel, New Zealand, and Australia.

Gry: What's the most common question you receive?

Ruth: Scarcity is a common refrain."Will I ever find love?” It's intriguing that women who live in remote areas often lament never finding anyone. The irony is, those living in cities like San Francisco and New York feel the exact same way.

Gry: What do you tell them?

Ruth: I encourage them to define what they truly want from love – what they wish to give, receive, and experience. The feeling of scarcity often stems from chasing that intense initial chemistry, which doesn't always align with a healthy relationship. It's challenging to resist that feeling of immediate connection, that makes you think, 'Oh my god, we've known each other forever.' That “spark” can be incredibly compelling, yet misleading.

Gry: Do you think our expectations are unrealistic?

Ruth: Absolutely! We want the instant gratification of candy, but expect a healthy relationship outcome like eating kale. We’ve bought into this myth that love is instant—that "lightning strikes" and we just know. We'll move mountains for that feeling, but what if we embraced a different approach? What if love started with trust and friendship? What if we look at love with more tolerance? I remember a workshop participant who, after 25 years with her partner, spoke candidly about their relationship, with all its imperfections. We don’t often hear these stories from long-term lesbian couples, because we tend to idealize longevity and assume it means a completely smooth experience.

Gry: So, a more realistic expectation is a partner who may not always meet all our needs?

Ruth: Precisely. Straight women often understand this, as men don't always meet their needs. So they are used to creating a whole community of female friends with whom they can share aspects of themselves that a partner may not be able to fulfill. I think too often, lesbians expect to find absolutely everything in the same package: adventure and security, passion and comfort, novelty and security. We can create more realistic and sustainable relationships by looking at how we can get our key intimacy needs met with a partner, and fill in the rest with other people. For instance, if you plan to be monogamous, then having a partner who meets your sexual needs is obviously important, because that's the one need you won't bring elsewhere. And of course we want some commonalities and emotional connection in that relationship. But, many of our needs can also get distributed among more people; friends, therapists, support communities.

Gry: You've said that we, as lesbians, lack traditional relationship rules or guidelines.

Ruth: Exactly. We create our own terms. We can design our relationships as we see fit, but this comes with a cost. Developing self-awareness and actively pursuing our desires requires considerable effort. It's amazing how many women in their sixties are taken aback when I suggest that a healthy relationship doesn't require cohabitation. It seems we embraced our lesbian identity, but lost our creative resourcefulness when it came to relationships. Perhaps because going against the norm is challenging enough, we often fall back on conventional blueprints.

Gry: On the other hand, younger generations in the queer community are experimenting with innovative relationship models, embracing limitless possibilities. What's the key to finding a partner?

Ruth: The experience of loving and being loved, bonding, supporting, and sharing intimacy is available to us with many different people. My advice is to prioritize what truly matters to you. Do you value monogamy? Open communication? Kindness? Shared interests? These are key factors. Obsessing over "chemistry and connection" can become a false idol, hindering the pursuit of a stable, long-term relationship.

Dr. Ruth Schwartz is director at the Conscious Girlfriend Academy.

Gry: So, it starts with self-reflection?

Ruth: 100%! Know what you want, and have a good hard conversation with yourself about it, and keep having those chats.  

Gry: Some will search for professional help; how will they find the right support?

Ruth: That's essential. Find a therapist or coach who truly understands lesbian dynamics and attachment styles. Surface-level approaches often lead to couples becoming more polarized, entrenched in their individual narratives.

Gry: How, according to you, do we identify a therapist with those skills?

Ruth: Start by asking, "How familiar are you with lesbian couples and dynamics?" and "How much experience do you have working with lesbians?" Then, inquire about their approach: “Do you explore surface issues, or do you delve into underlying dynamics?" Ultimately, it’s important to consider how comfortable you feel with them, and whether the sessions help you feel grounded and connected to yourself and your partner. Every couple is unique. Many lesbian couples break up without seeking help. Therefore, I advise people to choose a partner who is open to going to therapy when challenges arise—and it’s when, not if.

Gry: What's your best dating advice?

Ruth: When starting a new relationship, ask about their past relationships – how they feel about their exes and what they've learned. Also, examine your own patterns around closeness and distance. How frequently do you want to connect and see each other? Is the person kind, warm, and empathetic? Take things slow with shorter dates, like a couple of hours at a time. It’s wise to avoid alcohol early on for clearer thinking. It's also a good idea to hold off on sex until you’ve experienced conflict and navigated it successfully together. Sex can intensify emotional connections. You can explore intimacy without full sex; there’s kissing and other forms of connection. Some of my best sexual experiences have been fully clothed.

Gry: Other challenges lesbians face?

Ruth: Attachment issues are prevalent. A lack of self-awareness about our attachment style makes relationships much more difficult. Breakups that feel sudden often come down to an underlying fear of being alone and abandoned.

Gry: After your many years of experience with lesbian love, what’s one important message you would share?

Ruth: I want women to know that we deserve joyful, healthy dating and relationships. But this is a skill, and one we haven’t been taught. The confusion, pain, and fear surrounding lesbian relationships are unnecessary. Many women give up, believing it’s impossible or that they are flawed. We must recognize that, like anything worthwhile, relationships require training and skill development, because women are complex and relationships are demanding. They offer such joy, however, when approached with the right support. There’s a common misconception that finding “the one” is enough. It’s like assuming you can drive a car perfectly without any training.