SITGES: Drawn by Sitges' reputation as a gay paradise. I had initially assumed that lesbians would benefit from the welcoming environment gay men had cultivated, but the reality proved me wrong. The reason for this is perhaps that Sitges has been adopted by gay men. They have been around since the '60s, and come from all over the world. They have managed to establish two streets filled with clubs and bars, and many other venues specifically catering to them spread out in the small city. Throughout the year, they create different festivals, attracting large crowds. It’s easy to think that the city is all about the gays but according to a local, 85 percent of the population is still heterosexual.

However the gay community is very important for the locals. They are good for business, but sometimes the relationship can be a bit strained. "During the festivals, you can see men fucking on the street. Nobody wants to see that," said a hairdresser I talked to. Besides that, the relationship seems to be fine. However, even if lesbians exist in Sitges, and even if nobody knows where to find them, I asked about lesbians at a gay bar, and the men just smiled and replied, "We don't know, and why should we?"

I even went to the LGBTQ+ office in Sitges, thinking they must know where the lesbians are. A young man opened the door. I explained my request, and he scratched his hair and said, 'Yes, we need to work more on this issue.' He was very kind but spoke poor English and took my number, assuring me the president would call me back. He would know where the lesbians are, but he never called.

One of the most beautiful things about Sitges is that I have never seen so many gay men holding hands and showing affection in public. Such a simple gesture makes a big difference. When I saw these often very muscular men showing this simple affection to another man, it made my heart all warm and soft. It was very powerful. To see it is to feel it, to feel it is to know it under your skin. I believe this knowledge changes everything. In an instant moment a love story becomes visible. Gay mens love becomes relatable. They are here. They are everywhere. They are in our everyday lives. In fact, I have never seen so many heterosexuals showing affection in public like this middle-aged couple exchanging kisses at a cafe on a Tuesday morning before they went to work. What ever goes on in Sitges it is contagious.

The small city has palm trees where you can see the green parrots, called Monk or Quaker Parakeets, who originally came from South America. Introduced to Spain as pets in the 1970s, they quickly multiplied after being released. Add the strong presence of the sea. The light in the winter feels like the seventies – a bit brownish and burnt. Being a Swede coming from months of cold and grey, arriving to the light in Sitges makes you feel alive again. I am thinking, so this is normal for a lot of people. Do they know how lucky they are? I guess they do, because many of the gays come from Holland, Denmark, and the UK - countries that are all about 50 shades of grey in the winters.

Someone asked me, "Why do you travel to a place when you know there are no lesbians?" Perhaps I need to see what it's like for the men. Sometimes that can give you a wider perspective. It can inspire you to have new dreams and perhaps to see if our worlds could work together, or if they are just two separate universes, each using all our energies to survive in our own bubble. I find it interesting to see what my life could have been like if I were a gay man.

I spoke to a man who had lived here for seven or eight years. I tried to understand how it came about that gay men had adopted Sitges, but he bounced off that question every time. He did, however, tell me that it wasn't easy to date.

He was in his 60s, and if someone younger came up to him and said how wonderful he was, he always got suspicious. "I don’t know how many times it has happened that we've met, gone home to my place, and had a wonderful night. In the morning, 'Do you have 20 euros for my train home?' Other times, they've wanted to marry me after we've spent a very short time together, maybe even after a day. I've also been asked, 'Can you pay my month's rent? I'm a bit short on cash.'"

He said that Sitges is so small that everyone in the gay community knows everyone. He doesn't know if he will live here for the rest of his life. But he liked that he knows everyone, and in the morning, he knows where to go to get the best coffee. He asked why I had come to Sitges. I replied to see if there were any lesbians here. He said, most likely not and recommended me to come back in the summer. "Then you might find a few."

I'm thinking Sitges is the men's Skala Eressos, but in a fancier version. Here, you have luxury and hotels owned by football player Lionel Messi. You have neighborhoods with big villas; it's more expensive to eat lunch out than in Paris. You just feel that there is a lot of money around. One of the reasons I travel is to open different doors, to have a sneak peek at what's going on behind the scenes. Sitges is a reminder of what I could have had. Perhaps that's what stings the most.

On my last evening, I had a beer in one of the gay bars. Need I say I was the only woman? I wasn't welcomed with warmth; they more or less ignored me. While I sat there, I thought, that's okay. Why should they include me in their conversations? I have no idea what struggles they go through. Perhaps they need this exclusive space to breathe for a moment and just be.