Kill your darlings in Berlin

The Central Bus Station Berlin, 2008: The air was heavy with gasoline and oil. All I could see on arrival was traffic jams and ugly houses, but to me it was instant love. Since then Berlin has been the love story of my life. Fast forward to July 2024. I have visited the lesbian/queer subculture over time, but it has never hit me as hard as this time around. To start with, nothing was as I remembered it. 

Annabelle, a reporter for one of Berlin's gay magazines, put it perfectly when we met over coffee and beer. She told me about her visit to one of Berlin's most famous queer bars. 

”Before the pandemic it took me one hour to walk the room in Möbel Olfe. I had so many friends to say hello to. After the pandemic, it took just a few minutes to do the same walk. Most faces were new.”  

What had happened was a generational shift. Today the lesbian/queer scene in Berlin is young. Everyone over 35 is playing in the “old” team.

I do my lesbian tour in Europe in different stages. This round I was supposed to focus on the east: Warsaw, Prague, Budapest and Zagreb. However, it’s a long train ride from Copenhagen to Warsaw. I decided to stay three nights in Berlin. In the evening of my arrival I went straight to Silver Future - a queer bar with flinta nights.

VICTORIA

I met up with Victoria, 23 who became my friend and guide. We talked about how to navigate in the feminine and masculine codes of dressing and the struggles to use the word lesbian. Most lesbians in Berlin are queer. To call yourself a lesbian is considered conservative and suggests that you are a bit narrow minded. In reality, it's not just the word 'lesbian' that's being discarded. The lesbian scene is more or less gone. It has transformed into a queer Flinta scene. Basically, it means it’s open to everybody except cis men.

In Silver Future the walls in the bar were dark red and the back room had a small scene where the evening's drag kings performed. It was a hot evening and I was sipping Aperol Spritz. After spending many hours on a stuffy train, I was happy to sit at a table outside. I needed the breeze. It was also the best seat to see the catwalk I was experiencing right in front of me on the street. The women were dressed in different shades of black. Many had thick heavy boots, silver chains around their necks and lots of tattoos. I could not see any traces of big fashion brands, if they were used it was well hidden.

A person had just removed their breasts. You could see the bandages they had exposed under the overall that was left open. Lots of women had grown their body hair - still a rare thing in the norm society. If you mix the 80s feminists and punks fashion with Vivienne Westwood, you would end up with the crowd at Silver Future.

At some point I became conscious of the way I looked. I learnt that I have a heterosexual haircut, I had far too light blue Adidas trousers, my brownish leopard t-shirt was too mainstream and my Greta Garbo Ray Ban shades too commercialized. To top it all I called myself a lesbian! I was the odd one out but for all the wrong reasons. I was also by far the oldest one. They could all be my children. Had I arrived too late to the party? 

BEFORE THE PRIDE PARADE

After a few drinks Victoria asked if I wanted to go to Begine - the only lesbian bar in Berlin. Officially it’s a women's bar, but everybody refers to it as the lesbian bar. It’s a classic from the 80s. Since I was short of time in Berlin, I said yes.

The interior design at Begine had an office feeling to it. There was nothing cosy about it. It was all about practicality. Three guests were leaving when we came. The rest of the evening me and Victoria were left with the bartender. It was empty space and a touch of sadness. To be fair, Begine is more of a woman’s community house. They run a cafe, a bar and have a cultural programme with musical events, readings, talks, and discussions, concerts, art exhibitions, women-only parties, karaoke and dance evenings, games evenings and educational and information events. 

I asked the bartender where she went to hang out and meet other lesbians. She said that she did not go out much anymore. She meets her friends playing cards and spends time with her girlfriend. One beer later the bar closed and I went back to my hotel. I was puzzled by what I had seen. Confusion is good, I thought to myself before I closed my eyes. 

The next day it was Tuesday and Flinta night at Möbel Olfe. I was lucky to meet up with Victoria and her friends but came early. Nobody looked at me and if they did, it was as if they saw through me as I was air. I heard Swedish, and grabbed the moment: ”Oh you are from Sweden?” 

They looked a bit surprised as I continued. ”How nice! Me too!”

”Ok, have a nice evening”, one of them said as they disappeared into the room.

IN WAITING FOR THE PRIDE PARADE

I felt a bit stupid, but I get it, they did not go to Germany to meet other Swedes. I took another look around and the woman was even more gorgeous than yesterday. To my surprise they were a bit older and dressed in an even cooler and different style than at Silver Future. Many had found that interesting mix of femininity and masculinity. I would not be surprised if Marlene Dietrich rose from her grave and walked in showing off her latest costume from an upcoming designer. 

The air was loaded with excitement. I had never experienced a lesbian night with so many hot cool interesting looking ladies. Victoria pointed at an older woman saying she is the one organizing the dyke march. I had just read about it and found it fascinating. Since I was going to leave Berlin soon, I went up to her table to make a first contact. I said something about my project and if I could ask her some questions. She interrupted me in the middle of a sentence. 

”Who are you, what do you want and why are you talking to me?” She said the words as she fixated me with a steely glare.

AFTER PRIDE PARADE PARTY, BRANDENBURG TOR

I backed off as if I had been hit by a bullet.

”I am sorry. Didn't mean to disturb. I will walk away in peace.”

I was puzzled about her angry reaction. Later on, I was told that one does not walk up to her like that and I should not take it personal. To her defense, she was under a lot of pressure with the Dyke March. Fair enough.

My drink was running on empty and I was going to refill it. I saw a woman sitting by herself at the bar looking at her phone. I felt sorry for her and had a vague idea of inviting her to our table.

”Hello, what are you looking at?”

No reply. I thought she was shy and asked again. This time she did reply.

”I only talk to myself.”

That was the last straw for me.

”So you come to a bar on a Flinta night, just so you can sit and talk to yourself?”

”I work here, ok”, she said with an angry voice.
 
It was all too absurd. As I removed myself from the situation I started to laugh.

Victoria and others had told me about Möbel Olfes magic. That it is all about sex and fucking in the bathrooms. All I felt was anxious stress and a lot of anger. As if everybody was in their own bubble. My small talk skills did not work with this crowd. I realized I had to learn the new codes fast. Being a happy puppy wanting to greet everyone was an extremely bad idea with this lot. When I left, I was confused. Is this the Berlin vibe? At the same time I wanted more of the promised land I had seen. I could have gone home with half of the women in there.

AFTER PRIDE PARADE PARTY, BRANDENBURGER TOR

Every time I was leaving Berlin something made me stay. Three nights turned into two weeks. The following days I dived into the lesbian/queer subculture and visited She Said Books and had cocktails at Oya bar. I went to the lesbian Archive to trace the lesbian bars in Berlin in the 20s and 30s. I had an English brunch at the lesbian owned Lonely Hearts Cafe. I had drinks at Südblock and more cocktails at Stueck pop-up bar. I went to Schwules, Berlin's gay museum to learn more about the history of the gay and lesbian movement. I went to the Lesbisch-schwules Stadtfest Berlin (Lesbian and Gay City Festival). I walked the Dykes March and the big Pride parade.  

I also had lunch with Lena. She is a DJ among many things and is a friend of a friend. I told her about my night at Möbel Olfe. She smiled. She had heard the story before. Her explanation to why the queer scene is a bit to the colder side is that most live in a heterosexual context, and many still experienced hardship to be who they are. When all come together to relax and enjoy themselves, the air gets full of anxiety. Everybody is more or less in survival mode and just trying to get by. 

Her explanation made sense. However I was still puzzled. The younger generations are supposed to have it easier than my generation. Perhaps its time to do some research regarding that. What became clear to me was that Berliners were hard to impress. Whatever crazy shit or whatever genius stuff anyone brings to the table, nobody is going to raise an eyebrow. It’s as if they have seen everything. If Berlin was a person I would say she has lost her curiosity and warmth. It does not matter how many parties Berlin organizes - it’s many layers of darkness will not go away. 

DYKE MARCH, MOMENT BEFORE THE KISS

A week went by and I went back to Möbel Olfe. It was Tuesday and a new Flinta night. This time I was more relaxed. I tried to read the room and avoid angry ladies. I could flirt and have friendly small talks with people. I even got compliments for my hair and that I looked like Gloria Steinem.

It was sex in the air and I saw couples coming in and out of the bathrooms. I kept hearing from different sources how hard it is to find love in Berlin. Most people want casual sex, poly relationships and a door to exit at any time they please. The stress. The anxiety. The drugs. Always looking for something more. I started to feel disconnected. I started to feel the darkness.

I think it had to do with the fact that I struggled to stay present and ended up in a version of myself that I did not like. I lost the joy of small talk and did not laugh as much as I normally do. By exposing myself to a social context where quick sex was on the menu, I realized a few things. Call me old fashioned but I like to go on dates. I like to get to know someone before I eat them. Call me naive but I like romantic relationships with the intention that they can last forever. On my last day I killed my darling Berlin and started to see it for what it is. Perhaps that is good enough and a beginning of a beautiful friendship.